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Steven Colbert, creating a Nancy Pelosi character on his Wii, then defeating her in a boxing match:
FYI: I'm a huge nerd and have a Wii. I've promised my friends that I'll hide it whenever a lady comes over to my apartment. Not that I needed to promise my friends anything; the threat of never seeing a naked woman again pretty much assured that I'd keep this a dark secret.
From The Volokh Conspiracy, a discussion on the OED's definitions of Bootylicious.
Related note: So, I listen to my iPod at work on shuffle, and this often presents a problem because I have a lot of rap. For example, Dre Day came on the other day, and I had to practically dive over my desk to turn the speakers off. You might think the solution is to come up with a more appropriate work playlist, but I have to be honest with you, I sort of like not knowing whether the next song is going to get me fired. I'm livin' on the edge, baby. (By the way, Areosmith isn't going to get you fired, but it probably should.)
This weekend I sold out. I mean, I sold out a long time ago (hello, new job), but this weekend I sold out the last ounce of purity left in my soul: sports team loyalty. Because my mother is an alumna, we've always been a Michigan house. (Side note: I, too, was almost a Michigan alumnus twice over, except that both times I sold them down the river as soon as I received a better offer.) So, obviously I was rooting for Michigan to beat OSU, and now that they've lost, I'm hoping for a rematch in January.
For those of you that disagree with the rematch, let me just say I've heard the arguments against and I don't care. The arguments are not compelling; you cannot seriously tell me that USC deserves to be in the championship game more than Michigan. Aside from OSU, anyone else playing for the championship will have one loss, and every other team, save one, lost their one game to some bitch.
Anyway, that point aside, this weekend caused me to root for almost every team I despise. Arkansas, Florida State, Notre Dame (fucking Notre Dame, people!). And when I did that, placing my hope in teams I routinely wish would be obliterated, both metaphorically and literally, I was totally screwed. If I needed a team to come through and help Michigan, they failed. Miserably. So, to tie this back to this post's title, at the end of Saturday I felt completely dirty.
If you'd like to see the Weird Al parody of the above video, click here.
Also, I'm still planning on doing my "blog crushes" feature, as soon as I can figure out how to sound not totally creepy. If you'd like to be possibly featured, drop me an email. If you're a hot girl, be sure to include a picture. Yeah, I know, creepy.
In United States v. McCourt, No. 06-1018, slip op. (8th Cir. Nov. 24, 2006), Michael Shawn McCourt appeals his conviction on child pornography charges. Most of his arguments are evidentary in nature, but he does raise one interesting--and completely unconvincing--argument related to the court's denial of his theory-of-defense jury instruction.
McCourt, you see, loved to surf the internets looking for "young" porn. Using unnamed "peer-to-peer" software (I'm looking at you Kazaa), he traded various files with his filthy comrades. Eventually he and his activities were discovered by an undercover detective monitoring a certain chatroom entitled "100%PRETEENGIRLSEXPICS." Despite the chatroom's title and subject matter, McCourt would later argue that while he was into "young" girls, he didn't actually intend to down load child porn, never looked at the videos, and if he did ever see child porn on his computer, would immediately delete the files.
At trial, McCourt and his attorney came up with a brilliant(!) defense: A hacker must have uploaded the child porn files onto his computer without his knowledge. (Brilliant!) Fair enough, that's as good a defense as any when you're guilty, I guess. But then they take this defense one step further: McCourt argued that the government had the burden to prove the identity of the person who uploaded the files beyond a reasonable doubt. If you think about it, this defense is pure genius. Basically, the defense was trying to convince the judge and jury that the government had to prove that the one-armed hacker wasn't responsible.
Unfortunately for McCourt, the government only had to prove that he knowingly possessed child porn. And, as the Eighth Circuit recognized, "[T]he identity of the person who uploaded the files onto McCourt's computer is not relevant to whether McCourt knowingly possessed the files." Thus, McCourt will now be spending 10 years in federal prison, where even hardened criminals consider pedophiles disgusting and totally shiv-worthy.
On another note, Kansas City beat Denver last night, although not by the score I predicted (I attribute this mostly to Joe Montana not playing, apparently having retired 11+ years ago). Still, mark it up as another successful prediction by yours truely.
Finally, within the next couple of days, I'm going reveal one or two of my "blog crushes." I'm hoping this will go better than my real-life crushes. I could do without the awkward silences and permanent restraining orders.
I'm home for Thanksgiving. It isn't too bad here so far, turkey, some football. However, I did get bored during the Dallas blowout, so I went to my room, fired up the old Sega Genesis, and popped in the first Genesis game I ever owned: NFL Football '94. NFLF94 is an amazing piece of sports history: On the front of the box is a picture of Joe Montana in a Kansas City Chief's uniform.
Anyway, I took this as an opportunity to simulate tonight's Chief's game against the Broncos. With Joe Montana at qb, I can now safely predict Kansas City will win, 56-21.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. If you need me later tonight, you can find me playing some NHL 94.
Yesterday I was watching the Michigan/Ohio State game in between some tennis matches, when this somewhat youngish woman sat down next to me. She started speaking to another man across the table:
"How often do you see a black quarterback at Ohio State? That's quite an advantage for them."Good times.
As I was flipping through the TV channels this morning (eventually on my way to Spaceballs on TBS), I came across a bit on Weekend Today talking about a place in Texas that raises all these Poinsettia plants. They interviewed one of the ladies who grows the plants, who commented on how these are probably the most well-known poinsettia plants, explaining:
"Postcards of these poinsettias have been sent all over the world, from Russia, to North Carolina, to Texas."
I'll give you Russia is pretty far away, but North Carolina? That's still in the United States. And I don't think Texas counts as "all over the world" if you're actually from Texas. That's sort of like me saying I've traveled all over the world, from Kansas City to Topeka. Which I have. And I tell that to all the girls at every bar I go to, usually starting with, "Baby I've been everywhere in the world," and ending with "except in your pants." Sometimes I follow that up by asking them to stamp my passport, which occasionally I actually have on me, but more often than not is a reference to my genitals.
Another in SJ's occasional series, I noticed this for sale the other day:
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FOR SALE: large loin Picture |
Not really what you expect when you see a picture of a "large loin" advertised.
I was going to post this news story for Ninja Wednesday, but then I realized it could also be a Criminal Friday topic. My brilliant compromise: Post it on Thursday!
From the story:
Gonzalez and Sevilla are accused of dressing like ninjas in black clothing, masks and gloves and storming the bank shortly after a 9 a.m. armored car delivery. They fled the bank with $450,000. No one was injured.
First of all,you can't really blame the guy for dressing up like a ninja to rob a bank. What teller isn't going to be scared shitless when he sees a ninja suddenly appear at his window, sword drawn? Also, the fact that you could use smoke bombs to mask your escape is almost incentive enough to become a ninja thief.
On the other hand, if not executed properly, acting like a ninja in a bank is going to draw a lot of attention. And not in a good way, like the attention Mr. Monopoly attracts when he enters a bank.Editor's note: This is a post I've been working on for several days. It is about boring Missouri politics stuff, and how the elimination of the straight-ticket voting might have actually hurt Republicans. Many of you will find this boring, so I've included a little teaser here, and the rest can be found by clicking the link at the end.
This is something I've been thinking about, but haven't really had the time to think through. Here in Missouri, the Republican-controlled legislature got rid of straight-ticket voting, starting with this most recent election. The conventional wisdom is that the straight-ticket benefits Democrats more than Republicans, and its deletion was included as retribution for the Democrats unwillingness to support a bill requiring showing government-issued picture IDs before voting. (The bill passed anyway and the ID requirement was later overturned by the state supreme court, although the straight-ticket part stayed.)
However, I have a hard time believing the conventional wisdom is true. Instead, straight-ticket voting is most likely more effective in areas that lean heavily one way or the other. Thus, in St. Louis City, Democrats will benefit from the straight-ticket option, while in out-state Missouri (a term for everything but St. Louis and Kansas City) Republicans will benefit most from straight-tickets. On the whole, since the cities still out-populate the rest of the state, this means that straight-ticket helps Democrats.
Awhile back, a couple of teenagers tried to rob magician David Copperfield. However, Copperfield turned the tables, using his magician's trickery to fool the mugger into believing he had empty pockets. In fact, though, Copperfield had a wallet, cell phone, and passport. (Passport?)
Anyway, one of the kids just pled guilty. Really, that's the only thing he could do, considering he got freakin' owned by David Copperfield. Other people owned by Copperfield: Miami retirees and Claudia Schiffer.
Which reminds me, G.O.B. Blueth was awesome.
Last night was glorious and today proved it was the gift that just kept giving.
For those of you keeping track of these things at home, the lesson learned last night is that you can take an endorsement from Law Talking Guy to the bank. To recap:
Jon Testor won in Montana. (He's the one that disputed the President has a secret plan for victory in Iraq.)Claire McCaskill won in Missouri. (She's the one that disputed Michael J. Fox was faking it.)
Nanci Pelosi will be the new Speaker.
Paul Morrison will be the new Attorney General of Kansas.
Amendment 2, the stem-cell initiative, passed in Missouri.
In Virginia, Jim Webb (non-racist) leads George Allen (racist).
So that makes me almost 6-1 (if Virginia holds). Combine that with my awesome Lost predictions, I'm 7-1. It's like I'm from the future, sent back in time to blog about what's going to happen in the future.
On this Election Day, Supplemental Jurisdiction announces its endorsements:
For United States Senate:
In Virginia, the one who isn't a racist.
In Montana, the one who doesn't believe President Bush has a secret plan for winning the Iraq war.
In Missouri, the one who wants Alex P. Keaton to live.
For the United States House:
Anyone who will put this woman in charge.
For Kansas Attorney General:
The one that believes in the Constitution.
Missouri Amendment 2
Yes. I, too, want Alex to live. That bitch Mallory, on the other hand . . . .
Missouri Amendment 3
Yes. Why are all the convenience stores trying to convince me, a nonsmoker, to vote against the tobacco tax, but they aren't doing anything about the fact that it costs me, a motorist, $35 every time I fill my gas tank? Oh, and anytime the tobacco companies say to do something, you really can't go wrong doing the exact opposite.
Final commentary: One the N.Y. Times website, don't you find it a little disingenuous that they put the Connecticut Senate race down as "strong Democrat." As it turns out, the "Democrat" is losing very badly to the "Independent." It almost isn't fair to the Republican, whatever his name is.
Vote today.
This morning I was reading my old college newspaper (I like keeping up, especially considering I interview high school applicants), when I came across this:
The caption is the kind of thing that makes me laugh and cry a little, all at the same time, because it reminds me just how elitist the school can be sometimes. As someone who grew up going to the state fair every summer, I can tell you now that "hay-barrel throwing" is not any event I recognize. I can't even begin to imagine what a barrel of hay would look like, let alone what its practical uses would be.
I believe what the caption meant was "hay bale throwing." Now that's something I'm familiar with, having not only participated in a few hay bale tossing contests in my time, but also having "bucked" hay at my own home during the summer. Whoever wrote that caption had probably never even seen a real-life hay bale before last week, let alone bucked.
Which brings me to my point: I'm a little country. Now, I'm not some bumpkin by any means, but I attended a fancy college and law school with mostly city and suburban kids. Thus, I enjoyed learning them a thing or two about how us country folk from the Middle West lived. And that would often involve stories about county fair shenanigans (the greased pig story was a favorite), fooling my friends into bucking hay with me, or our various clandestine parties out in random fields. I think what fascinates my friends even more is that while I've done lots of these things, I don't particularly come across as "country." Perhaps that's because they assume all country people talk funny, listen to country music, and don't like doing any "cultural" activities, like going to plays or museums. I don't know. Fact is, though, I take pride about a lot of things about where I came from, but I also like where I am.
On a related note: On a recent trip to the department store, I picked up a John Deere hoodie that says "Country Boy" across the chest. This is meant to be semironic. In fact, as I go into my late 20s, I believe semirony is where it's at. I still use sarcasm a lot, but when I do, I am also kind of earnest about it. It is a very confusing emotional state to work through. I need therapy.
Today, Criminal Friday looks at an interesting statute I came across the other day:
Colo. Rev. Stat. 18-6-103 Pretended Criminal Abortion.1) Any person who intentionally pretends to end the real or apparent pregnancy of a woman by any means other than justified medical termination or birth commits pretended criminal abortion.
(2) Pretended criminal abortion is a class 5 felony, but if the woman dies as a result of the pretended criminal abortion, it is a class 2 felony.
Google isn't really that helpful in figuring out 18-6-103's true intentions, although some pro-life websites offer the most likely explanation: It is another method by which to charge people who perform unlawful abortions. Nothing like repetitive and cummulative criminal charges to get the prosecutor's office all hot.
For further information on what constitutes a "justified medical termination," check out Colo. Rev. Stat. 18-6-101.
Anyone watch Lost last night? If you didn't, beware, spoilers ahead.
First, I'd like to remind you of this post from back on September 7:
HONOLULU, Hawaii (AP) -- Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje of the hit TV series "Lost" was arrested on a traffic violation in Waikiki this weekend, police said.Over/under on the death of Mr. Eko: 5 episodes.
And in Epsidoe 5 last night, Mr. Eko died.
There are two lessons to take away from this. First, if you're an actor on Lost, don't get arrested, or you'll get written off the show. Second, I'm freaking awesome. Next time you see me in bar, you totally owe me a shot.
That one ninja turtle almost got it right: Generally you get the pizza afterward.
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