Supplemental Jurisdiction

Bar Review

Happy July 4th everybody! Unless, of course you are taking the bar exam this summer, in which case today is the generally accepted start of crunch time. Up until now, you've probably been taking it fairly easy, going to Bar Bri, maybe playing some golf, whatever. Don't worry, I was the same way.

Anyway, over at Clearly Erroneous, Just another law clerk has posted 5 "tips" to prepare for the bar. Long-time readers of SJ may remember that I, too, have given five valuable tips for bar preparation. Comparing the two, mine offers much more practical advice, whereas JALC's will only help you "pass," for whatever that's worth.

Right, but seriously, that CE list be crazy:

1. Pack now? Look, the bar exam is only two days long (three if you're in a shitty state or taking two different bars). Just wear the same clothes everyday. It will demonstrate how focused you are and totally psych out your fellow bar takers (let's not forget this is a competition), who will say things like, "Holy shit, that kid is so dedicated to passing he doesn't even have time to change clothes," and "I threw up a little in my mouth when I sat down and smelled the guy next to me, who clearly hasn't changed his clothes from yesterday." Of course, you'll overhear that comment and think to yourself, "Yeah you smelled me, that's the smell of victory!" Only it won't be, it really will be B.O.

Run Away

As long as I'm dispensing advice about law school, I thought I'd address the question of whether you should go to law school in the first place. This question was recently posed to me by a friend of mine whose sister is a pre-law undergrad and is intent on going to law school.

"If you love your sister, tell her to not go," I said.

"I'm pretty sure she's already made up her mind," explained my friend.

"All is not lost until she cashes that Access Group loan. Save her!" I harped.

Her sister is already planning to break the advice I gave in my first post: Either go to a top law school or the best school in the region you want to work/live. She intends to do neither. (To be fair, women rarely take my advice, generally for good reason, but not in this case.) So, as I explained, both on this blog and to my friend, she is setting herself up for crushing debt followed by a difficult job search and, even if she's successful, likely low pay.

Anyway, if you're thinking of going to law school, my advice is this: Don't go to law school unless you want to be a lawyer.

Unsolicited Advice About Law School

I've tried writing this post a couple of time, attempting not to sound condescending or conceited, but I've given up. Trust me, I'm not being an ass here, but it is going to come across that way no matter what I do. Regardless, because I've recently read several blogs about how hard it is to find lawyer jobs, I've decided to offer some unsolicited advice that I believe, at least from my personal experience, will help people choose what law school to attend.

There are many reasons to go to law school. (There are also a ton of reasons not to go.) But, this post isn't about why you should go to law school. And it isn't about what school is going to give you the best legal education, however you personally define that. This post is about what law school you should go to if you're worried about getting a job upon graduation.

That being said, here's a summary of my advice:

If you get into a top law school, go to it. If you don't, go to the best school in the geographic region you want to work in.

One Last Bar Tip

A major part of the bar is having intestinal fortitude. By this, I mean keeping your cool during the exam. Last year, I witnessed some kids get up and walk out during the middle of the test. Others just didn't return after a break. If you do this, you fail for sure.

Right now, you're probably thinking, "It's easy to say 'keep your cool,' but I can't help freaking out right now." True, but trust me, once you start actually taking the bar, you'll calm down and realize it is a lot like every other test you've ever taken. Just remember to focus and fight off the fatigue. And keep telling yourself that you can make it through this if you concentrate.

I have a feeling that a lot of the people who don't pass the bar failed in large part because they didn't manage their emotions well. It is natural to freak out before the test. But don't cave into your "flight" mechanism, and I think you'll give yourself an excellent chance of passing.

More Bar Exam Stories

The bar exam is a week away.  Thinking Fool does a great job of describing the night-before experience.  It closely tracks my own experience, which went something like this:

On Monday, I awoke and went over the trusts and wills outlines once more (this turned out to be a good thing because a trusts question showed up on the exam).  About 11 AM, I couldn't stand being in the house any longer, and decided to go for a run.  Those who know me know I don't just go for runs.  But with my pent up nervousness, I managed to run an entire mile at a fairly brisk pace, which is good considering how out-of-shape I was after a summer of doing nothing but studying.

After a small lunch (no appetite), I packed up my stuff and started driving to my exam location, which was about an hour away.  That was actually very relaxing:  I listened to some awesome tunes and called a couple of friends and bitched about the bar.  By the time I got to my motel, I was fairly calm.  They had wireless internet, so I unpacked my computer, then met a friend for dinner.  Although both of us were on edge, the dinner helped us chill slightly.

That night I reviewed some notes, called some more folks, surfed the internet, then climbed in bed and just zoned out in front of the TV.  Is there anything more comforting than the soft glow of TV?  By midnight, I was getting kind of tired and decided to hit the sack.  I took a couple of extra strength Sominex and went to bed.

Unfortunately, I only slept about 20 minutes before I woke up again.  After that, nothing could get me to sleep.  I would just lay there, trying to think of anything but the bar.  By 2 AM, I got up and took another Sominex.  I promised myself that would be the last one because I didn't want to oversleep or have trouble staying awake during the test.  At 3 AM, I took another Sominex (bringing the total to 4; the directions recommend only taking 1).  I finally fell asleep around 4:45, only to be awoken at 5:30 with my wake-up call. 

I will say that the next morning I felt ok.  The adrenaline really did its job keeping the Sominex at bay.  Even into the afternoon I was doing fine, except by the time I got to the last essay, I had run out of gas.  Essays here are short, averaging about 30 minutes each, but I knew my shit and had cruised through the first 5.  However, I took about an hour on the last one, and I only made it by reminding myself "Dude, you can do this.  Just finish it.  Concentrate."  Coincidently, that's the same thing most girls are thinking while they're on dates with me.  I'm awesome.  (On a related note, that turned out to be my best essay, scoring a 12 out of 12.  I know I'm lame for bragging, but I did that on an hour's sleep and a four Sominex hangover.)

So what's the point of this story?  When you're having trouble sleeping the night before, remember that you are not alone.  Other people are struggling just like you at that exact very moment.  Moreover, people have sleepless nights and go on to easily pass the exam.  So can you.  The other moral is that you should probably chug at least 5 Sominex; four just doesn't cut it.

One final comment:  Someone found this blog by searching for "slackers who passed the bar exam."  I've got news for you:  That's never happened.  Unless you've done your 1000 MBE practice questions, attended every Bar-Bri lecture (twice), formed a study group at least 3 months before the test, taken both the 3-day and the week long PMBR courses, researched every essay question over the past 25 years, Shepardized the U.S. Code, memorized all the cases from the past four Supreme Court terms, and made some flashcards, you aren't going to pass.  No frickin' way. 

Bar Review

It's that time again:  the Bar exam.  Long time readers probably remember my earlier tips (available here if you don't already have them bookmarked from the last time you took the bar).  Anyway, I'm back with more:

You know that guy in your Bar-Bri class that has been studying nonstop, 12-hours a day since the class begin, while the only time you've spent "studying" is the time you've sat through the tape-record lectures?  You know the guy I'm talking about, the guy you keep saying "needs to chill out" and is "taking this thing way to seriously."  Yeah, well, I've got news for ya:  He's doing the bare minimum amount of studying.  Real gunners only need 4 hours of sleep a night.  So, you might as well give up now; you're going to fail.

However, I might have the solution to your failure problems which I learned from some of my pre-med friends in college.  In your class, find out who the real suckers are, the kids who are even bigger slackers than you.  Tell them you have some sweet outlines and you're more than happy to share them.  Then hand over a bunch of outlines with incorrect information scattered throughout.  Remember, the whole thing can't be a lie, otherwise even they will catch on.  But, leave out crucial information, such as Intermediate Scrutiny.  And spread misinformation:  Larceny is a general intent crime.  If this strategy is good enough for the future doctors of America, then surely it is ok for you who is about to become a soulless lawyer.

More tips to follow, if I think of anything.

Summertime . . .

. . . and the livin' is easy.

Or at least it should be.  I'm really looking forward to summer this because it means the arrival of the summer interns.  For the first time in my life, I'm not the intern, the low-man on the totem pole.  Not since my fraternity days have I had the opportunity to assign busy work and random tasks to people who probably don't like me (join the club), but must obey me nonetheless.  Actually, that's not true.  On law review, I also assigned busy work and random tasks.  But that was different; now I can hand out assignments for things I actually want accomplished, such as filing all the paper work I've been too lazy to do so far.

Basically, being a summer intern is akin to being hazed.  During my 1L summer, I was the last intern to start, so some of the attorneys got together and decided to play a joke on me.  The devised a scheme, in which I was supposed to keep a journal and write down what my greatest accomplishment was that day, along with areas I felt could use improvement.  I was also to list what I liked best and worst about work on a weekly basis.  So, I'm handed this form, told it's standard summer internship procedure, and that the recruitment coordinator wants the first journal entry by the end of the day (she was not in on the joke). 

Unfortunately for these guys, I didn't do the journal.  Not because I figured out their scheme, but because I'm a lazy mofo.  The form stays on my desk, and the next day one of the attorneys asks me if I got it done.

"Nope," I responded, not bothering to turn around because I was in the middle of reading email.

"Well, remember, it is required," he notes, walking quickly back to his office.

These lawyers also got the other interns in on it, so they were telling me how they'd already filled out their journal entries and turned them in.  While I admired their pluck, this information didn't encourage me to fill out my own form.  Remember, lazy mofo here.

At the end of the week, the attorney asks me again if I've filled out the form.  "Sorry," I say, "I've been swamped."  I wasn't, nor had I been.

"You need to do it, [Recruiting Coordinator] needs those today!" 

I'll admit, he did a good job selling it that time.  So, I filled out the form, but in the most half-assed way possible.  To the questions "What do you like best so far?" I answered, "Everything's aight."  To the question of what improvements I would make in the office, I said, "Get faster elevators."  I also suggested the cafeteria needed more cream soda.

I turned it in to the attorney, and awhile later I see him and a bunch of his friends hunched over the document.  Turns out it was a prank where I was supposed to write down some embarrassing things, showing what an eager and naive 1L I was.  Naive, perhaps, but unfortunately I was too lazy to fall into their trap.  Such is my life.  Point is, these types of things go on all the time, to some degree or another, between lawyers and interns.  Most of it is in good fun, I suppose.  Just like all hazing.

It was also during my 1L summer, however, that I got a taste of what having your own intern is like.  You see, there was a college senior working in the office too, and one time, while bogged down in one of those inevitable "research this type of law in all 50 states" type assignments, I convinced one of the attorneys to let me borrow her.  Doling out an assignment, which in turn would actually help me, was one of the highlights of my life so far (trust me, I know that's not a good thing). 

Because she wasn't a law student, though, it also meant I had to teach her the rudimentaries of legal research.  She didn't have a Westlaw password, and I didn't want to explain connectors and databases, so I taught her the old fashion way . . . the books!  Yeah, it was a lot of digests and statutory indices for her, and I'm sure it was painful, but since she was thinking of going to law school, I figured she deserved it.  Law school hazing can never start too early, and if my assignment convinced her to do something else with her life instead, I'd say I did her---and the world---a great service.  But, like most of us morons, even after being legally hazed, I'm sure she still went to law school.  She, like the rest of us, has no one to blame but herself.

Anyway, what this all breaks down to is: 1) a career in law is like a 30-year-long DKE hell week; and 2) getting your own summer intern helps to temporarily ease the pain.  Those pocket parts aren't going to read themselves, you know.

Cowboys

Last weekend, this story was published in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch about the effect of Missouri's conceal and carry law.  Basically, there is no effect.  Apparently gun-related accidents are not up and crime is not down.  This law was essentially upheld by the Missouri Supreme Court in Brooks v. State, 128 S.W.3d 844 (Mo. 2004) (apologizing for the non-user-friendly opinion format).  I wrote a paper about Brooks in my state constitutional law seminar, and included this incredibly horrible graphic:

I'd try to explain to you what I was talking about, but you wouldn't understand.  Seriously, I'm not being condescending---it's just that your mind would literally explode as you tried to comprehend my totally kick-ass and not illogical reasoning.   That, and my theory doesn't really have "a point" or any "validity." 

The fact is, I already knew the truth about concealed weapons before the Post-Dispatch ran their sissy article.  That's because in high school, I saw how effective a concealed gun could be against even the most dangerous criminal, which in this case was three high school kids bashing mailboxes. 

See, a friend of mine was just minding his business at home, when a truck slowed down in front of his house, and then a baseball bat appeared out of the window and smashed his mail box.  As the truck sped away, my friend did the only thing he could do in that situation---he grabbed his shot gun and jumped in his own truck to pursue the bastards.  As he tailed them down a gravel road, a Camero fishhooked out of a driveway and came up behind him.  It was my friend's neighbor, who was angered that his own mailbox had been destroyed.  They chased the offenders down several country roads until they cornered the kids in a subdivision.  My friend got out of his truck, holding his shotgun, while the neighbor and his buddy got out of the Camero with a couple of handguns.  They then called the sheriff.  Just then, the local chiropractor came by and asked what was going on.  Having been apprised the of the situation, he reached under his dashboard and retrieved the handgun strapped under it, telling them he was "going in."  A couple of minutes later the sheriff arrived, calmed everyone down, and apprehended the felons (is mailbox bashing a felony?  I doubt it, but for the purposes of this story, I don't care). 

So, the point here is not that guns help deter crime.  They don't.  Crazy people deter crimes.  I have no doubt that regardless of whether guns are legal, my friend, his neighbor, and the local chiropractor still would have found a way to threaten the lives of a couple of 16-year-olds.  Maybe with pointy sticks, I don't know.  Thug life 4 ever.

UPDATE:  Somehow, this shirt and this shirt should also be involved.  If you are interested in purchasing these for me, please send me an email.

The Big Payoff

Last Friday, all those years and dollars wasted on law school finally paid off: I fixed my own speeding ticket. And it only took me a lot of money and two hours waiting in line.

So, I say this to all those who hope one day to become lawyers: You too can succeed, but you have to dream big!

Smooth Criminal

From a tivo'd episode The Office:

Michael:  I am the victim of a hate crime.  Stanley knows what I'm talking about.

Stanley:  That's not what a hate crime is.

Michael:  Well, I hated it!

While watching this episode tonight, I was reminded of an incident in my first year criminal law class.  (I apologize in advance to all my friends who have heard it, but it happens to be one of my favorite law school stories.)

So, we're sitting in class, and the subject of the day is marital rape.  The professor poses a hypothetical involving Stanley and Stella Kowalski, husband and wife.  According to the hypo, Stanley and Stella were married in New Orleans, Louisiana, where, at the time, marital rape was ok, but have now moved to New Jersey, where it is outlawed.  The professor calls on one of my classmates, asking if Stanley should be prosecuted.

Prof.:  Miss X?

Classmate:  Uh . . . [shuffling through her casebook]

Prof.:  Do you have an answer Miss X?

Classmate:  I'm sorry professor, but I don't think I read that case yet.

Prof.:  What the hell do they teach you people in college?

At this point, the guy sitting next to my friend leans over and says "It's the case right after People v. Willy Loman."

Prior Inconsistent Statements

I thought it might be fun to post some of actual notes I took in law school.  The following is the entirety of my Legislation notes for April 21, 2004.  Behold:

Legislation
4/21/04

Cheveron

MCI

Mead--

That's it.  Good to know I cared enough to spell Chevron correctly.  Truthfully, though, at least I wrote something down that day.  Check out my January 21st notes:

Legislation
1/21/04

Again, that's it.  During finals, that page in my note book reminded me I was indeed present in class that day, but decided there was nothing of substance worth recording.  My professor indicated his disagreement on my exam.

Let this be a lesson, folks:  Even the lazy and incompetent can achieve great success.  It certainly isn't fair, but it's life.  Sometimes I start to feel bad for all those kids who worked hard to get good grades and get into good schools so that they could get good jobs.  And then I think "Screw 'em" and deposit my paycheck.