Supplemental Jurisdiction

Missourah

From last week's Colbert Report:

Postmortem

Last night was glorious and today proved it was the gift that just kept giving.

For those of you keeping track of these things at home, the lesson learned last night is that you can take an endorsement from Law Talking Guy to the bank. To recap:

Jon Testor won in Montana. (He's the one that disputed the President has a secret plan for victory in Iraq.)

Claire McCaskill won in Missouri. (She's the one that disputed Michael J. Fox was faking it.)

Nanci Pelosi will be the new Speaker.

Paul Morrison will be the new Attorney General of Kansas.

Amendment 2, the stem-cell initiative, passed in Missouri.

In Virginia, Jim Webb (non-racist) leads George Allen (racist).

The only SJ endorsement that failed to win was Amendment 3, the cigarette tax, in Missouri. Kind of silly, but now that we've raised the minimum wage, at least people will be able to buy more smokes.

So that makes me almost 6-1 (if Virginia holds). Combine that with my awesome Lost predictions, I'm 7-1. It's like I'm from the future, sent back in time to blog about what's going to happen in the future.

Rock over London, Rock on Chicago!

SJ Endorsements

On this Election Day, Supplemental Jurisdiction announces its endorsements:

For United States Senate:

In Virginia, the one who isn't a racist.

In Montana, the one who doesn't believe President Bush has a secret plan for winning the Iraq war.

In Missouri, the one who wants Alex P. Keaton to live.

For the United States House:

Anyone who will put this woman in charge.

For Kansas Attorney General:

The one that believes in the Constitution.

Missouri Amendment 2

Yes.  I, too, want Alex to live.  That bitch Mallory, on the other hand . . . .

Missouri Amendment 3

Yes.  Why are all the convenience stores trying to convince me, a nonsmoker, to vote against the tobacco tax, but they aren't doing anything about the fact that it costs me, a motorist, $35 every time I fill my gas tank?   Oh, and anytime the tobacco companies say to do something, you really can't go wrong doing the exact opposite.

Final commentary:  One the N.Y. Times website, don't you find it a little disingenuous that they put the Connecticut Senate race down as "strong Democrat."  As it turns out, the "Democrat" is losing very badly to the "Independent."  It almost isn't fair to the Republican, whatever his name is.

Vote today.

CNN.com is legitimate.

A recent poll on CNN.com:





And the results, as of the time I noticed the poll:





If you'll notice, over 23,000 people took the time to vote. I would say this is great for democracy, except that it isn't.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. Remember, brave men and women fought and died so that you could vote in a lame CNN.com poll.

Criminal Friday

Today's Criminal Friday story is brought to you by Subway.  Eat Fresh.

Apparently, an employee at a Subway store decided to pull an inside job and rob the joint, enlisting one of unemployed friends in his diabolical scheme.  Their plan:  Have Unemployed-Friend come into the store and pretend to hold Inside-Man hostage for money.  And it looks like they might have gotten away with it too, had their get-a-way car not stalled.

Yes, the get-a-way car stalled while trying to get a way.

Turns out, the wheelwoman didn't even know she was driving a get-a-way car.  Her boyfriend, Unemployed-Friend, told her he was just going inside to pick up a job application.  Oh, silly, trusting girlfriend.

Here's some advice:  I've tried the whole take-a-date-to-Subway-and-rob-it-while-she-waits-in-the-car thing.  It never works out.  You think you're showing initiative, they think you're a violent felon.  I've also been told it is less romantic in reality than it sounds when you're planning it out with your drunk, unemployed friends.  Of course, I've only been told this by my public defender.  Usually I never see my date again, until the day she identifies me in open court.

Criminal Friday

I read this story in the local paper yesterday.  The lowdown:  This guy was showing off the OnStar system in his Escalade to his girlfriend, but apparently wasn't smart enough to know how to use it.  His stupidity came back to bite him on the ass when OnStar, because it never got a response from him, tracked the Escalade down using GPS and automatically sent the police to make sure he was ok.  Turns out he was, but he also had cocaine in plain view (Uh oh).   In addition to the drugs and $1900 found in the car, the police seized the guy's Escalade with OnStar.

Generally when I'm trying to impress a girl, I skip the OnStar demonstration and go right to showing her my 8-track player.  Then I drop one of my patented pick-up lines:  "Are you 8-tracted to me?" (patent pending).  After that, we go back to my place and pop in a betamax.