From a description given on my cable on-screen guide for the 1959 version of The Sound and the Fury:
Fallen southern aristocrats fall further.
*If you don't understand why this is funny, get yourself some edumacation.
**Another funny trivia fact: In the 1959 film, Yuel Brynner plays Jason Compson. Hard to imagine him with a Mississippi accent.
Anyone else see "The Winner" with Rob Corddry on Fox last Sunday? While watching it, at first I thought it was supposed to be a parody of sitcoms because of the totally in-your-face laugh track. Generally, the comedies I like these days are sans laugh track---The Office, My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock. (That's random, those are all on NBC. Maybe they specialize in laugh-trackless comedy.) Even "How I Met Your Mother" (on CBS, ha!), although it has a track, keeps it pretty subtle (to the point I had to go back and watch a clip to see if it even had one because I hadn't really noticed before).
Anyway, The Winner, though, has a laugh track that is ridonkulous in scale, very loud and very ill-timed. I'm not the only one that's noticed this; the N.Y. Times found it grating as well. And it is totally serious about its laugh track; it is not some sort of meta-comedy. The parents act so simplistic and sitcomy that one wonders if Seth MacFarlane, when writing the pilot, thought to himself, "You know, the problem with Growing Pains is that it was just too deep."
All that being said, Rob Corddry is funny and it has potential, but I don't know how long it can last.
While being assaulted by the show's laugh track, though, what really got me thinking was the very existance of laugh track's to begin with. We all know why they're there: They help us laugh at things we might not normally laugh at. They are cues. But, it also reminds me that we tend to laugh in groups, and naturally we want to laugh with other people. The laugh track is really just like artificial friends. And with it, I'm not just sitting in my apartment, eating 3-day old chili and watching television on a Sunday night; the laugh track fools me into thinking I have a life.
I was just about to write how even though I know it is wrong, I would totally make it with Helen Mirren. But then I saw the Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly bit, and knew I wasn't the only one.
Update: When Alan Arkin won for best supporting actor, the expression on Eddie Murphy's face, for just a brief moment, seemed to scream, "Oh hell no!"
Last week Serena Williams won the Australian Open, her 8th major championship, beating Maria Sharapova, the number 1 player in the world, 6-1, 6-2. Those of you that watched the match know, surprisingly, the match wasn't even as close as the score indicates. ("Comprehensive beating" was how SI's Jon Wertheim described it.)
Anyway, Serena was a guest on Conan, where Conan challenged her to a game of Wii Tennis:
[UPDATE: Boo NBC/Universal.]
This bit brings together a lot of things I totally love: Conan, tennis, Nintendo, extra "assets." So this is pretty cool.
The thing I should mention about Wii Tennis is that it isn't really much like tennis at all. I mean, it approximately simulates tennis, as imagined by someone who doesn't really play tennis. Not to say that it isn't fun; it is by far my favorite game on Wii Sports. But being an actual tennis player gives you no advantage in this game, aside from general eye-hand coordination. True, you can use actual tennis strokes and perform at this game just fine, but the secret to getting good is developing a well-timed wrist snap. That's true in some aspects of real tennis too (serves, overheads), but not so much with groundies and volleys.
Point is, it is funny tv, but not a real tennis simulation. Aside from the lack of motion-sensitive controllers and the inclusion of classic-Nintendo characters, Mario Power Tennis is actually a very accurate tennis simulation; probably the best regular-style controller tennis game I've ever played. (I say this having owned several tennis video games in my lifetime, including Wimbledon for the Sega Genesis and a crappy Jimmy Connors computer game.)
Oh well, time to sign off this thing: Short Circuit just came on. "Number 5 . . . is ALIVE!"
Last night was a repeat of one my favorite South Park episodes of the season, involving Cartman impatiently awaiting the Nintendo Wii. Coincidently, yesterday I found this awesome comparison:
From last week's Colbert Report:
Currently Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is playing on the Encore Love channel. Really.
Side note: In the dive-thru scene, why is it that they only really freak out when the burger shack guy qualifies that it is animal semen? As though human semen would have been marginally acceptable.
As I was flipping through the TV channels this morning (eventually on my way to Spaceballs on TBS), I came across a bit on Weekend Today talking about a place in Texas that raises all these Poinsettia plants. They interviewed one of the ladies who grows the plants, who commented on how these are probably the most well-known poinsettia plants, explaining:
"Postcards of these poinsettias have been sent all over the world, from Russia, to North Carolina, to Texas."
I'll give you Russia is pretty far away, but North Carolina? That's still in the United States. And I don't think Texas counts as "all over the world" if you're actually from Texas. That's sort of like me saying I've traveled all over the world, from Kansas City to Topeka. Which I have. And I tell that to all the girls at every bar I go to, usually starting with, "Baby I've been everywhere in the world," and ending with "except in your pants." Sometimes I follow that up by asking them to stamp my passport, which occasionally I actually have on me, but more often than not is a reference to my genitals.
Anyone watch Lost last night? If you didn't, beware, spoilers ahead.
First, I'd like to remind you of this post from back on September 7:
HONOLULU, Hawaii (AP) -- Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje of the hit TV series "Lost" was arrested on a traffic violation in Waikiki this weekend, police said.Over/under on the death of Mr. Eko: 5 episodes.
And in Epsidoe 5 last night, Mr. Eko died.
There are two lessons to take away from this. First, if you're an actor on Lost, don't get arrested, or you'll get written off the show. Second, I'm freaking awesome. Next time you see me in bar, you totally owe me a shot.
It appears that I'm about the only person in America who likes Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I don't love it, but I like it. I've read a lot of the criticisms about the show, and they basically boil down to two problems: 1) The sketches aren't funny; and 2) No one cares about the concerns and problems of Network Television.
I agree, the sketches aren't particularly funny, but I'm ok with that for the most part because, oddly enough, those aren't the point of the show. They could basically do the whole show without showing a single sketch (although I also approve of the sketch montage they employed a couple of episodes ago). As to the second part, I don't know how to solve that. It's true, unlike what goes on in the White House, it is hard for the regular person to get that worked up about the problems facing a giant television network, such as whether they get a show about the U.N. over another crappy reality tv derivative, or whether Studio 60 can hold 90% of the audience from the previous week. People have bigger things to worry about, and that makes it hard to relate to the show.
That point aside, though, I am pretty fascinated by the whole behind-the-scene aspect of television. In fact, because of Studio 60, I'm seriously considering moving to Hollywood and becoming a writer. I've got this great idea for a new show (copyright), which I will now share with you (so that I can later prove this is my idea, not yours, you bloodsucking ass):
The Premise: Basically "A Civil Action" for the small screen. The show will be about some mass tort, whatever's "sexy" at the time. Right now I'm thinking Vioxx. Anyway, a team of young lawyers will get the chance of a lifetime to represent the class, but they don't really know how to go about it, right? Because they're so freaking young and hot. So they start looking for someone who can help them, and that's when they find an old, washed-up, drunk lawyer, who used to be awesome, but decades of class action litigation has taken its toll. Don Johnson would be great for the part. Anyway, the washed-up lawyer wants nothing to do with it at first, figuring that he's already screwed up too many lives and let too many people down, but then realizes this is a chance to redeem himself. This is one last chance to restore his honor. (Yeah, this show has some of The Verdict in it too.)
The Hook: As you know, every show these days has to have a hook. Here's mine: The show is in real time. It is a cross between Law & Order and 24. You'll start off with the kids getting the case, doing their preliminary investigations, working out their contingency fee agreement with the clients. Then you'll see them start up on discovery. One of my favorite episode ideas is watching an associate draft interrogatories. That will last 6 episodes. My vision is that each case will run 4-6 seasons before a final jury verdict. (Of course, if I ever get tired of a particular case, I can always DV it at some point and start the whole thing over.
The Name: I'm thinking "The Class" (even though there is already a show called that, but they are totally not related). I could also go with "Certifiable," although that makes it sound more like a comedy (obviously there will be humor, how can there not be in a mass tort, but like Studio 60, that's not the point). Or maybe just "Rule 23." I haven't really decided yet.
Just a reminder, all this shit is copyrighted, by me. If I see this show on ABC's spring lineup, I am going totally litigious on your ass.
CNN.com - 'Lost' actor arrested for traffic violation - Sep 6, 2006:
HONOLULU, Hawaii (AP) -- Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje of the hit TV series "Lost" was arrested on a traffic violation in Waikiki this weekend, police said.
Over/under on the death of Mr. Eko: 5 episodes
In tonight's rerun of My Name Is Earl, Joy makes spaghetti for her kids using ketchup for the sauce. As regular viewers of the show know, this is funny because Joy lives in a trailer park and is fairly trashy. But, to some of us, this is art imitating life. Growing up in rural Missouri, my school always used institutional-sized cans of ketchup to make spaghetti. You'd think it'd be gross, but after a while (in my case, 13 years), you start to crave the sweet-tasting spaghetti. Of course, spaghetti day was a distant second to corn dog day. Ah, memories.
Last night, as I was lamenting the end of the NBA and the NHL seasons, I couldn't find anything on TV I wanted to watch.
"What the hell did I watch on TV last summer?" I asked myself.
Oh, right, at this time last year I was studying for the bar exam.
All of a sudden, I became very content watching Benson repeats on TV Land. I have reclaimed summer.
In the past, I've said that the thing I hate the most is a stupid animated Christmas card featuring "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Truly contempt worthy. However, I now hate something else more: that Heineken Light ad featuring "Don't Cha?" by the Pussycat Dolls. (I can't link directly to the video, but once you're on the website, click on "The Latest" tab, then on "The Ads", then on "TV Campaign.")
If the point of this commercial is to make me want to drink any light beer other than Heineken light, then Mission Accomplished. Yeah, I'd even take a Milwaukee's Best Light over it, cause that's keeping it real. There's only one reason you're drinking the Beast Light, and it is to get f'd up. In college, it was also this same rationale that led me to purchase Natural Ice over Natural Light: There is only one reason your buying Natural Light, and it isn't for the taste, so why not kick it up a notch to 5.9% ABV with Natty Ice?
By the way, while doing a quick search to make sure I correctly remembered the ABV of Natty Ice, I came across this valuable information on the A-B website:
* Currently being test marketed
* Natty UP is a robust lager with caffeine
* Caffeinated beer with real beer taste ... not sweet
* “Natty UP. party down”
Holy shit, they're making Natty with freaking caffeine in it now. This is so you can drink even more Natty, as clearly indicated by their Wayne's World-esque slogan. They should market Natty UP toward law students because this fills that niche of people who desperately need beer while studying for finals.
Also glad to see Anheuser-Busch fully embracing the "Natty" nickname as well.
Friday: Cinco de Mayo. Hung out with a friend, ate Taco Bell, drank Pacifico Clara, watched Three Amigos and Desperado (El Mariachi was checked out).
Saturday: Laid around in my pajamas until about 3:30 PM. Watched basketball (sucks to be the Lakers). Attended screening of Mission Impossible 3.
Sunday: Slept in late, did some work, watched The Beverly Hillbillies and more basketball.
Yeah, so Cinco de Mayo was pretty freaking awesome, in a very chill, laid-back way. I had Nachos Bellgrande. But perhaps the best moment of the weekend was waking up late, turning on the tv, and seeing The Beverly Hillbillies. I love old tv shows. I often catch Night Court right before I go to bed, and last weekend I was glued to the set because TVLand was showing a 48-hour Miami Vice marathon. But, how can you not love those hillbillies, especially Granny? So ludicrous, yet so hilarious. It was a moment (well, 30 minutes) of mindless relaxation before I had to log on and start doing actual, real-world work.
Of course, this reminds me of Weird Al (most things do), so I thought it would be appropriate to include this:
Last Thursday's post put me in some 90s nostalgia, so I thought I would share with you a clip of one of my favorite Beavis and Butthead episodes:
1. Great to see William Devane back. That guy is GQ smooth.
2. That was great James Bond music they had going during the whole bank scene. Really, the only way it could have been better was if Sean Connery himself had been playing the role of the (now-dead) banker.
3. Girl Edgar is still hot.
First, when will people learn to listen to Jack Bauer? How many people does that dude have to kill before people understand he knows what the hell he's talking about?
Second, girl Edgar is pretty damn hot . . . and crazy. Damn hot and damn crazy.
Third, how awesome was tonight's episode? Answer: Really awesome.
Oh, I get it. You actually mean big fucking chicken. But the crazy FCC and general moral standards won't let you say that on regular television. So you came up with the idea of a bucking chicken, cause it sounds similiar. Brilliant!
Burger King, you're the coolest.
Yesterday I watched the Wichita State v. Tennessee game. When CBS came back from a commercial break, they opened with the obligatory "show the cheerleaders cheering in front of the camera" shot. I noticed that several of the female Wichita State cheerleaders were giving the "shocker" handsign, and that's when I realized their mascot is the "Shockers."
Note to the administration of Wichita State University: Although kind of funny, I might tell your cheerleaders that when they're on national television, they shouldn't go around displaying the "shocker" handsign, as it specifically refers to an obscene sexual act. This advice also goes to the Northwestern Montana State University Hand Jerkers and Central Nevada College Middle Fingers.
I watched the Oscar's last night while on my deathbed with the flu. My plan was that after three hours, I would shoot myself in the head and the misery would end. Didn't work.
Anyway, upon seeing Naomi Watts, I remarked:
It's like she broke into Miss Havisham's mansion and stole her wedding dress.
By the way, while googling "great expectations," I came across a dating website. It made me wonder if the creators of this service have ever read Great Expectations. Granted, Pip and Estella end up together in the end, but throughout the novel she's cold, cruel and constantly playing games. Is this the kind of experience this website is trying to sell?
A nice SNL clip for those of us who are big Glengarry Glen Ross fans.
So, Justine Bateman is still kinda hot.
To add both salt and lemon juice to an open gash already needing medical attention, I found it almost insulting that while airing the last 4 episodes of Arrested Development (on a Friday no less), Fox repeatedly showed commercials for two asinine new comedies, Free Ride and The Loop. These are the great comedies that Fox canceled Arrested Development for? I wish there was something I could do to destroy Fox. Of course, Jack Bauer would probably stop me at the last second. So, I'll just attempt to destroy Fox, and then I'll tell Jack that in exchange for Kim, he can keep Fox. Because this will be basically giving away something he didn't want anway, Jack will be totally cool with it. He'll even throw in Behrooz. Seriously, what the hell happened to Behrooz?
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.
James M. Klits, Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades, The Onion (Feb. 18, 2004)
I know I'm not the first to comment on this. Whatever. I wasn't the first to comment on Marbury v. Madison either, but it sure didn't stop me from piping up in Con Law.
So, Gillette, only two years after The Onion mocked the absurdity of the razor wars, has finally come out with a five bladed razor. And they spent something like $2.8 billion to air a super bowl ad. And this is what they came up with:
(You need the latest Macromedia Flash software installed on your computer to view the commercial.)
Hey Gillette, I could have given you an equivalent (or perhaps even superior) piece of crap for half the price. Anyway, this ad seriously looks like they just dug around David Lynch's garbage for some leftover Dune footage, and then slapped in some pictures of a 5-bladed razor. I mean, really, check it out it out sometime.
Up until I got my Go-Go-Gadget electric razor this Christmas, I was still sporting the old Gillette Sensor Excel, a gift from Gillette on my 18th birthday. It served me well, especially considering I have the body hair of a 12-year old girl. I resisted the urge to buy the Mach-3, or even the Mach-3 Turbo.
(An aside, what the hell is up with the Mach-3 Turbo? It is an regular razor with a Duracell. As far as I can tell, it does nothing but vibrate. Basically, you are shaving with a vibrator. Good luck with that. Bitch.)
Right, so I'm not sure what Gillette is doing, except they've totally run out of ideas and are now turning to The Onion for advice, which I submit is a very foolish thing to do.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Did anyone else think that that 15-year-old Ukrainian girl handled a gun pretty good for a supposedly 15-year-old Ukrainian girl? I'm putting bets she's probably part of the same assassin ring as Mandy. Jack will figure this out, using this information to lure Mandy out of hiding and into a three-way. Then Kim will show up with her pet mountain lion and shit will get crazy. Oh, and of course Behrooz will somehow be involved.
I've taken this too far again, haven't I?
Oh snap! Jack is about to bring the pain against Spencer and Cummings. Plus, how about that stab in the heart Audrey Raines had to suffer when Jack's current girlfriend was like "yo, i just accepted Jack for who he is." And Aundrey is all like "I know. I should have been grateful he got my worthless limey husband who I was going to divorce anyway killed." Now that Jack's alive, she'll get to tell him that. And then Jack can somehow turn this into a threesome. And somehow Behrooz will be involved, even though we haven't seen him since Jack turned him over to the terrorists last season.
I've taken this too far, haven't I?
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